Texanation

While I’m busy changing the name of the Columbus Day holiday, there are some other words I need to fix.

The name of the planet Uranus is one. Who can say Uranus without at least an internal snicker? Even pronounced correctly—You-ran-us—the name simply aches to be changed. (Uranus aches…get it?) See? It’s impossible. We need another name for the eighth planet. Since it is a cold, distant body, with an axial tilt at 99-degrees from the norm, I suggest we call it Hillary.

Penis is another one. Can anyone take a penis seriously? The name of the male sexual reproductive organ should have something more dignified than PEE-niss. I know we have more than a few slang terms, but we need a reference that doesn’t sound like a chicken, or a children’s book on toilet training, i.e. cock or pee-pee. I’m thinking maybe magnamus. That, at least, has some authority, some weight, some heft to it. For older gentlemen, the magnamus would be renamed the sleepy-pee-pee.

Wednesday comes up next. (Since I write this Tuesday, I am correct.) I want to know: What genius screwed up the letters. We pronounce it Wen’s Day, but we spell it Wed-nes-day. (It’s like the English and their butchery of Leicester and Worcestershire, slopping the words into Lie-ster and Wuss-ter. Their excuse was they wanted to confuse the Germans in case they invaded…”Vat is de vay to London?” “Well, Guv, go to Lie-ster, take a right on Wuss-ter, and Bob’s yer uncle.”) Wednesday needs a simple spelling fix and we’re done. Wensday.

Do I even need to mention Worcestershire sauce at this point? Can we all agree on Wusster sauce and make it official?

I grew up thinking mayonnaise was spelled mannaize. We should agree to call it by its real name: Miracle Whip.

Lemming. This word is too cute for a creature that blindly follows his or her fellows in a suicidal dive from a cliff. We need something harsher, that more accurately depicts the kind of moronic, slavish devotion to destructive group-think…Umm…Democrat? No, too obvious. How about morahnas? Like piranhas, only for stupid creatures. Like a bunch of morahnas, the nightly news broadcasters repeated the same talking points as their colleagues in public office. We could shorten it to moranhs as a mnemonic.

What have I missed?