Posts Tagged ‘driving’

Who likes sharing the road with idiots? I know I don’t, though I’ve found yelling at the windshield until bits of my lungs are expectorated on the glass seems to have no effect. It’s obvious the police are stretched to the max with real crime and don’t have time to correct minor infractions of traffic etiquette.

I have a solution. Let’s create a squadron of NFL referees in zebra-striped cars to patrol our streets and issue penalties for egregious violations of road courtesy. These infractions would not be paid for in monetary fines, but rather in the one currency people seem to value most: time.

Here is my list of violations and suggested punishments. Feel free to add your own.

Pass interference – An infraction occurs when a driver fails to get their lazy, stupid ass out of the passing lane when faster traffic approaches from the rear. Violators will be flagged and forced to return to their starting point to resume their journey.

Holding – Maintaining a speed BELOW the posted limit even though unimpeded by traffic. Violators of holding penalties will be forced to drive in circles in a Costco parking lot for twenty minutes on a Saturday afternoon.

Illegal use of hands, hands to the face – Any use of an electronic device, such as a cell phone, GPS, radio, or vibrator, while driving. Violations will result in a penalty of one-point-five miles, or half the distance from home, whichever is greater.

Clipping – A clipping penalty is incurred when the driver wanders the hell over into a lane other than the one they are using. Their car is placed at the spot of the foul and they will be ridiculed in public before being allowed to proceed.

Delay of game – Failure to execute an expeditious transit of an intersection for any reason. Violators will be left on the side of the road with two flat tires and no jack.

False start – If, while stationary at stop light, a driver jerks forward because the light next to them changed from red to green, thereby causing others to jump forward, they are guilty of a false start. Punishment will include loss of start when their light changes.

Personal foul, unsportsmanlike conduct – A driver commits a personal foul if they buy a bigass vehicle they can’t properly operate because a.) they are a small woman and operating a big vehicle gives them a false sense of power, or b.) they are a male and have a small penis. Evidence of this personal foul will be a.) any failure to adequately and correctly park said monstrous vehicle in a timely and forthright manner between the lines painted on the parking lot, b.) tires big enough to house a family of four, or c.) inability to see over the steering wheel.

Feel free to add your own penalties. We’ll be back, right after this commercial break…

The Texas Legislature, in between food fights and intern chasing, decided that driving was less important that Art History and Football Studies. They took a limosine to a 6th Street bar, huddled up over a few (pitchers) of beer at happy hour, and voted to take it out of the public school curriculum. Cheers, have another round.

To make up for the lack of state-sponsored driving education, they handed the responsibility for our lives and insurance rates to the least trained and poorest qualified instructors on the planet.


The same people who have a hard time keeping their four-year-old quiet in a restaurant now have the duty to teach their teenager to operate 4,000-lbs of Death on Wheels, at speeds approaching escape velocity. The same people who can’t signal, merge, stop, yield, move out of the left lane when not passing, are the ones who will assume the wise mantle of a driving expert and put their equally inattentive, ADD-rattled child in the driver’s seat. Do what I say, not what I do. And don’t do what I say, either.

Instead of learning – like we did – on some bunker-buster of a car, with squealing power steering, drum brakes and a cracked windshield, today’s teenager gets to learn behind the wheel of your only means of transportation. The one you insure and pay for. Instead of sitting in a darkened trailer behind the wheel of a vehicle “simulator”, they learn by doing everything wrong, in traffic, at full speed. Unless they’ve stopped dead in road, frozen and unable to move because the parent is screaming in one ear, horns are honking in the other, lights are flashing, guns are going off and it’s generally like any other rush hour in a big city.

Accepting this responsibility for two teenagers in a row is Yours Truly, arguably the best driver on the planet. The Best Driver knows how to teach kids. He has patience. Nerves of steel. Fully paid life insurance.

Dad: Turn right here. No, the other right.
Dad: It’s best to stop before you enter the intersection.
Kid: Oh. Yeah.
Dad: Continue to the stop light and turn right.
Dad: That was the curb, try not to hit those. Now accelerate and stay in this lane. Speed limit’s 40.
Dad: Speed limit’s 40, not 50.
Dad: Speed limit’s 40, not 25
Dad: Speed limit changed to 30.
Kid: When did it do that?
Dad: Just now, when you passed the speed limit sign, and cop sitting under the tree.
Dad: That’s the lane divider. Stay in your lane.
Dad: Curb! Watch the curb!
Kid: Don’t yell at me.
Dad: Don’t hit the curb!
Dad: Lane…
Kid: I know, Dad! You don’t have to tell me.
Dad: Stay in this lane. This lane. No! This la–
Dad: Never mind.
Dad: Speed limit’s 30, not 139.
Dad: If you hit the goddamn curb one more time!
Kid: I’m sooorry! Stop yelling at me!
Dad: Aye, Jesus! Pull over! Stop! Pull off the road!
Kid: Why? What’s wrong?
Dad: I have to clean my pants.
Kid: Why are you shaking so bad? Here, I’ll pull into this parking lot.

All those in favor of adding driving back to the school curriculum, raise your shaky right hand.