Posts Tagged ‘medical’

The Joy of Living with a SPW*
(*Self-Proclaimed Wit – aka The Wife’s Burden)

Living with a Self-Proclaimed Wit is like owning a dog that chews your favorite shoes to ribbons every third Tuesday, or with a cat that shreds your curtains. It’s a constant struggle between affection and reaching for a blunt object. Example:

Spouse says: I’m running to the store.

SPW: Okay, but wouldn’t it be faster to take the car?

*cue moderately exasperated sigh*

The SPW has no control over the impulse toward wittery. Or is that wittibility? Ensconced upon the throne of smirkiness, the SPW’s reflex action is to pun, and pun hard, much like a boxer counter-jabs. Example:

Spouse: I’m going to hop in the shower.

SPW: Much better to stand still; hopping in the shower is dangerous.

See? It’s like breathing. Normal input is received, smart-assery is expelled. Many people believe this a character flaw, or a defense mechanism, to which the SPW responds, “You mean like a gate latch?” (De-fence mechanism…Get it? A mechanism for a fence? *cue heavy sigh*)

Sometimes, on rare occasions, like three times a day, the SPW’s reflex action gets him into trouble. Example:

Spouse: I’m going to go pick up my mother.

SPW: Remember to lift with your legs.

Stay tuned for the next post, titled The Joy of Living Alone.

 

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Joe from Sales: Hey, thanks for considering Momentous Occasions for your business needs. Your transaction with MO will be so expensive, you’ll need to lay off the costs to a third party, but no need to worry, we’ll handle all your billing and you’ll never have to deal with any of that. We have great food prepared by culinary artists, free WiFi, cable television, and every amenity to insure your happiness.

Customer: Okay, sign me up!

Cindy from Customer Intake: Read all the documents, sign here, sign here, initial here, here, and here. I will now label you with your wristband that will hang loosely and catch on everything. That way we can make sure you’re not mixed up with another customer and screw up your order so badly you lose and arm and a leg doing business with us.

Customer: Okay! What next?

Cindy: Wait over there until we call you.

Jeff from Operations: Hi, customer (reads name from clipboard), come with me. Please change into our special torture clothing that you can’t tie because we ingeniously put all the strings in back where you can’t reach them. Wait here.

(Clock ticks. Nothing happens for a long time.)

Maria from Operations: Hello, customer (reads name from chart). I’ll be jabbing you with this thing to make it easy for us to administer your account. We’ll be taping it to the back of your hand, where it will stay for duration of your transaction with us.

Gus from Operations: Ditto name thing. I’ll be blowing stuff up your nose to keep you completely ignorant of everything we do for the next two hours. Trust me, this will be a good thing.

Mal Cutter, Chief of Operations: What are we doing today? A full business review? No, just removing a slice of your internal organization. Good. I’ll be back when I’m ready and we’ll get started.

(Post transaction)

Mrs. Ratchett from Customer Care: Now that your transaction is complete, my staff will check in at oddly-spaced intervals and wake you at the point you’re about to go to sleep. We’ll poke you, stick you, squeeze your bicep to the point of pain, make you get up and walk the halls in your ridiculous gown and colorful socks, and bring you the dried chicken and cold peas prepared by our culinary artists.

Customer: Sounds great. I can’t wait to come back for more!