Texanation

“Women,” the man said. “You can’t live with them, you can’t shoot them without getting blood all over the floor.”

What would John Wayne do, living with two women, both of whom know everything about everything? Big John took control of his relationship with Maureen O’Hara by spanking her. And she liked it.  Why doesn’t that work today? 

The conversation at home goes something like this:

“Your daughter…” 

Uh, oh.

“What?”

“She’s making me crazy!”

“Okay.” Immediately he wonders: And this impacts me how?  Because Mom has to take her shopping and a mushroom cloud will form over the mall after the first exchange of Scuds.  Scud Missile #1 (Labeled:  I WANT THIS) and Scud #2 (YOU CAN’T HAVE IT!)  Cats will chase dogs, time will run backward, rain will fall from the ground up and nuclear winter will kill your begonias.

“Oh,” he says, one foot on the stairs. Call of Duty is booted up, he needs to go shoot some animated soldiers. “Okay, have fun. Call me from jail.”

Well, Mr. Smartass, if you’re so calm about this, why don’t you take her shopping?

“Fine,” he says. Call of Duty will have to wait.  Challenge accepted. “I can do this. Watch how a man handles things.”

At the mall:

“Here’s $40, go buy a dress. That’s your budget, anything left over, you keep. Make sure it covers you from neck to ankle and is baggy enough that nothing pokes out.”

“Oh, Dad.” Money disappears into shorts so tight, you would think Jefferson’s face would show. “You’re such a simpleton.”

“Call me when you’re done. I’m going for an espresso.”

Time passes in bliss. See, what’s so freaking hard about this? Sip. Sip.

Cell phone buzzes. “Yep, happy Dad here, what’s up?”

“I need more money.”

What? No way, that wasn’t the deal. Yes, I do need it. Dad goes to see why we’re over budget, intending to be firm and show tough love. Dad sees the dress. Where’s the rest of it? Oh, Dad. No, seriously, this is half a dress. Dad! Discussion of bras and things that Dad wants NO part of.  Are you sure this is what you want?  Yes.  Will the she-dragon, uh, I mean, will your Mom approve?  Absolutely you gullible sap.  Okay, problem solved, here’s the wallet.  Take it.  Oh look only 50% over budget, just like Congress.

See how easy that was?

Home again.

“You spent what?”

“Uh.”

“She bought what?”

“Uh.”

“Were you at the same mall?”

“Uh.”

Incoming, incoming!  Grab your ankles and huddle under your desk! 

C’mon John, little help here…?